Falling on Rocks

Just sitting by the fire. Late, should be sleeping. I used to stay up after the kids went to bed just to have quiet time. Now I stay up because my mind is reeling and there is no reason to stay in bed. I continue to heal from this recent acute emotional crisis (is that redundant?). I am recovering as if from a traumatic accident, perhaps a hand-gliding accident where I misjudged the wind, tumbled down the cliff and landed on hard rocks. The wounds continue to heal and the bruises are fading. But there persists an ache that can only be eradicated with the passage of time. My fear is that I may fall again.

The days are incredibly long and it is as if I am existing in another, much slower, dimension of time. Movements are sluggish, thoughts are more difficult to articulate, and the world around me continues to operate in real time while I watch, unattached and removed. I am dimly aware of the sound of heels clicking down the hall, hurrying to see the next patient; the veterans, sitting patiently in the waiting room, sharing their stories and their lives; the janitor whistling as he empties the trash cans. "Got anything today?" "No, nothing" I answer, pretending to be in his world, the one that moves at a comfortable tempo, the world where people, topics, projects, are interesting, and there is never enough time. But today.... today I wait for tomorrow to come so it can be over so I can sit up late again in front of the fire.