Up late again. I wonder how many people are up late, reading, playing on computers, watching tv because they can't sleep. For some reason my brain is not as tired as my body tonight. I must say things are much better: my emotions are leveling out although I have an occasional crappy day when I do not feel very good being me. I am grateful for psychotropic medication right now but hope to some day live without it. Right now I'm still in the early healing phase. Who am I writing this for anyway? I wonder who would read someone else's ponderings. No deep thoughts tonight, just staying up, not sleepy, glad I got through two days of work successfully without any breakdowns or meltdowns. Sometimes though I look at my calendar at work and wonder, if I took a day off, which one would it be. Like I'm planning a mental health day. I'm waiting to see a job announcement from Roseburg VA and am so impatient. I don't think I'm obsessing quite as I once was, but moving to Oregon is certainly foremost on my mind at all times.

Tonight I am particularly displeased because it hasn't snowed this winter in Iowa. That is the only reason to live in Iowa as far as I'm concerned. I always loved it when it snowed in Mapleton, and that was not often. I still am just like a child when it snows. I know it causes others to work hard, its dangerous, etc. But all I want is a day or two to sit in my chair and watch outside, sipping my coffee as the big flakes float to the ground, the brown ugly ground that is Iowa if there is no snow in the winter. Steve thinks its great! A lot less work for him. I don't think he knows how disappointed I am that it is not a normal Iowa winter, I don't think he gets it that I'm very disappointed and that a good snow may make me feel just a little better, like its worth it being in Iowa. But right now its actually balmy weather. The last day of January and people are wearing shorts. And falling through the ice. Duh. So this is just a late night ramble. Beginning to feel like I can face life again, at least more of the time. I hate it that, to have true compassion and empathy, one must have walked on the same road and slipped on similar rocks. But that is the truth. So now I have more empathy for my patients. Whoopee. Yay. Okay, some day I'll look back and be grateful that I went through this. But today its still too close to be philosophical and generous about this very painful experience.