Spring Forward 2012

Not sure why I'm posting except to say that I really hate this day of the year. We actually "lose" an hour, as if I didn't already have enough to do in my life! Just the whole concept seems so wrong, so fabricated, so artificial and man-made (and I mean MAN made, not WOMAN made. We know that the original decisions to create daylight savings time was created by some genius male who didn't have to think about how it would affect our baby's feeding schedule or the elderly's insulin schedule. NO, the decision was purely made because of some kind of financial purpose. In may old (er) age, I have come to the realization that, whether or not I like it, money drives almost everything. Politics, laws, regulations, policies, even mandates at work which sound at first as altruistic are actually driven by greed and financial efficiency.

Anyway, whatever the cause or origins of the creation of Daylight Savings Time, I don't like it. Not at all. It's just wrong. I think I'll stay on God's Time and claim religious freedom when I get into work an hour late. Ha.

So, the days are getting longer and I don't feel like we really ever had a real winter. It never snowed much, not enough to really count. And that is one of the only blessings of Iowa, one of the reasons I liked Iowa: the four distinct seasons. So now, we are in that time of the year when everything is BROWN because there is no snow and the grass has not begun to grow. Ugly. This is an ugly time of year.

My MDD is still kicking butt, but a bit better. Thank the good Lord for Valium.

President's Day 2

Home today with nothing to do. Just got back from my shrink, went through a box of tissues. He pointed out that the events leading up to my recent meltdown had created a "perfect storm". He's right. He's a good therapist and that is hard to find because I am also a therapist. I think all therapist should have their own safe person to talk to, preferably a psychotherapist.

Anyway, the events leading up to now did create a perfect storm. And I am still cleaning up the damage. I've never had such a meltdown. So close to the precipice, so dangerously close to the edge of reality. I now have a better appreciation for the term "losing it". I just about lost "it". I hope I never tumble that far down again. I'm like an airplane: Much of the time I'm flying just above the treetops and sometimes fly higher, just beneath the clouds. Late December I crashed. The airplane is fixed now but we're still working on getting it fully functional.

So much to be thankful for. I tell my patients to write a "gratitude" list to help pull them up when they are depressed. I could be living in a 3rd world country. We have good jobs, a comfortable home, our children and grandchildren are healthy, we are both in relatively good health..... So much to be grateful for.

Shrink recommended getting my butt to the YMCA for exercise today. Funny thing about depression: exercise and activity are the best remedies, but when one is depressed, the last thing a person wants to do is exercise and be active. It's a catch. So maybe I'll go to the Y today. We'll see.

I feel like I'm in limbo: we've decided to move to Oregon, but no jobs posted as yet. And then I have to wonder, will I be strong enough for a move? Can I do it? All I know is that I need to be closer to my children and grandchildren, my cousins, my family, my home. Oregon. I need to go home. I've been away for 13 years and yes, I know things have changed. But I need to go home. I am an Oregonian and always will be. I am not an Iowan. There are some good things about Iowa, yes. But Iowa is not Oregon. I need to go home. Like Dorothy in Wizard of OZ ..... I want to go home...I want to go home....I want to go home..... but I don't have any red slippers.

presidents day

Off of work for Presidents Day. Actually, Washington's birthday is Feb. 22nd not today. Today is also my parent's anniversary. One year their anniversary fell on a weekday. Mom made pot roast, mashed potatoes, ...all the fix in's for a Sunday dinner. We asked "Why are we having a big dinner?" Mom said "We always have a nice dinner on Washington's birthday". Then she brought out a cake. We asked "Why are we having cake tonight?" She answered: "We always have a nice cake on Washington's birthday". While we were eating cake I happened to be watching my father as he took a bite of his cake. The fork was half way to his mouth as he started to take a bite. Then his eyes opened wide and he dropped the fork. "It's our anniversary!" I don't know what he did later to atone for his forgetfulness, but that was an anniversary we would never forget.

Up late again. I wonder how many people are up late, reading, playing on computers, watching tv because they can't sleep. For some reason my brain is not as tired as my body tonight. I must say things are much better: my emotions are leveling out although I have an occasional crappy day when I do not feel very good being me. I am grateful for psychotropic medication right now but hope to some day live without it. Right now I'm still in the early healing phase. Who am I writing this for anyway? I wonder who would read someone else's ponderings. No deep thoughts tonight, just staying up, not sleepy, glad I got through two days of work successfully without any breakdowns or meltdowns. Sometimes though I look at my calendar at work and wonder, if I took a day off, which one would it be. Like I'm planning a mental health day. I'm waiting to see a job announcement from Roseburg VA and am so impatient. I don't think I'm obsessing quite as I once was, but moving to Oregon is certainly foremost on my mind at all times.

Tonight I am particularly displeased because it hasn't snowed this winter in Iowa. That is the only reason to live in Iowa as far as I'm concerned. I always loved it when it snowed in Mapleton, and that was not often. I still am just like a child when it snows. I know it causes others to work hard, its dangerous, etc. But all I want is a day or two to sit in my chair and watch outside, sipping my coffee as the big flakes float to the ground, the brown ugly ground that is Iowa if there is no snow in the winter. Steve thinks its great! A lot less work for him. I don't think he knows how disappointed I am that it is not a normal Iowa winter, I don't think he gets it that I'm very disappointed and that a good snow may make me feel just a little better, like its worth it being in Iowa. But right now its actually balmy weather. The last day of January and people are wearing shorts. And falling through the ice. Duh. So this is just a late night ramble. Beginning to feel like I can face life again, at least more of the time. I hate it that, to have true compassion and empathy, one must have walked on the same road and slipped on similar rocks. But that is the truth. So now I have more empathy for my patients. Whoopee. Yay. Okay, some day I'll look back and be grateful that I went through this. But today its still too close to be philosophical and generous about this very painful experience.

Falling on Rocks

Just sitting by the fire. Late, should be sleeping. I used to stay up after the kids went to bed just to have quiet time. Now I stay up because my mind is reeling and there is no reason to stay in bed. I continue to heal from this recent acute emotional crisis (is that redundant?). I am recovering as if from a traumatic accident, perhaps a hand-gliding accident where I misjudged the wind, tumbled down the cliff and landed on hard rocks. The wounds continue to heal and the bruises are fading. But there persists an ache that can only be eradicated with the passage of time. My fear is that I may fall again.

The days are incredibly long and it is as if I am existing in another, much slower, dimension of time. Movements are sluggish, thoughts are more difficult to articulate, and the world around me continues to operate in real time while I watch, unattached and removed. I am dimly aware of the sound of heels clicking down the hall, hurrying to see the next patient; the veterans, sitting patiently in the waiting room, sharing their stories and their lives; the janitor whistling as he empties the trash cans. "Got anything today?" "No, nothing" I answer, pretending to be in his world, the one that moves at a comfortable tempo, the world where people, topics, projects, are interesting, and there is never enough time. But today.... today I wait for tomorrow to come so it can be over so I can sit up late again in front of the fire.

purging

I have been obsessively purging everything I own these past few days. Two weeks ago I had an emotional meltdown. I like the term "nervous breakdown", although that is not a bona fide DSM IV diagnosis. Things were so black, I couldn't scratch my way out of the heavy darkness, and I teetered on the edge of psychosis. Thank God for valium. So now, a week or so later, I am going thru the motions. And I am obsessed with ridding the world of excess. At work today, I was driven to organize, to sort, to shred, to destroy. I wonder if this is how a person behaves when they believe they are not going to be around, like people who are dying or who are planning to die. I'm not suicidal. But I understand that drive to cleanse the world of all that is not pleasant, to make sure that all is as orderly as it possibly can be. Now I am putting one foot after the other, just like I tell my patients to do. And I know it will get better. But for now there is comfort in purging.

March 10, 2011

Walking Carefully at times. But not today.

The life I live
Sensing the Abyss
which echos from below
The low-hanging wires above
Knowing that this supension bridge I trod upon
hangs by a few threads of hope

April 5, 2010
The notion of religion without guilt is impossible to comprehend.
I am jealous of others raised in less condemning faiths, and I am naturally drawn towards Buddahism whre there seems to be no abolutes of right and wrong, no black and white, no heaven and hell. We are just on a path and watch for the directional indicators.....

February 1, 2010

This day is a new day...
Freshly fallen snow
so pristine, glistening, smooth
and in mounds.
Higher here lower there irregular shapes
What unknowns lie beneath this snow?

As time passes, all will be revealed.
But today I'll wear my best boots with strong soles.