"NORMAL"

My patients often say "I just want to be normal". I tell them to forget it, that there is no such thing as a "normal" person. However, there is hope that an individual can become fairly HEALTHY & FUNCTIONAL. And there's a lot of wiggle room because the definitions of those words are pretty arbitrary.

When I was in undergrad about a thousand years ago, we were taught that our environment is primarily responsible for who we become. In others words, if you were crazy or neurotic, it was your mother's fault. When my son was born I was terrified: I truly believed that he was indeed a "Tabula Rasa" - a blank slate - and if he became an axe murderer it would be all my fault. (Four years later when my daughter was born I had relaxed a bit. Motherhood will do that to a person).



Now we know ("we" being psychologists, researchers, etc. ) that about 50% of who we are is informed by genetics, while the other half of who we become is molded by our environment. Having said that, there are some really strange-looking folks out there. I also know that the most put-together person may actually have more psychopathology (be more unhappy and/or be more likely to require the services of a Shrink) that those who just look goofy.

I like to people-watch. Who doesn't? We went to an outside "Blues & Ribfest" last weekend. Lots of BB Ribs, live Blues (Buddy Guy - the King of Chicago Blues still rocks!). The crowd was fairly eclectic and we had a great vantage point. I noticed that almost everyone was making some kind of statement with their outer wear: "Mean People Suck" (who could argue?), "Welcome back Carter", "Farmers do it in the Field", several caps with "F.... something-or-other".....the usual. Then there was the very large lady (at least 300 #'s) wearing an over-sized low-cut black drape-thing with only one sleeve. And she was wearing a Pirate Hat.... I watched her walk back and forth from the food stands - BBQ ribs, then a load of "Bloomin' Onions", a funnel cake (known back home as Elephant Ears), three pronto pups, and a nutty ice cream bar. All seperate trips.

But the most fascinating and disgusting show was sitting three feet in front of us: She was about 35 yrs. old, dirty blond, and had been run hard & put to bed wet. She wasn't really obese, but her body fat had shifted to her mid-section. She was wearing low-cut capris and when she leaned forward we could see her crack. Not just the top of the crack - we had front-row seats to a view of the entire canyon. And her shirt kept inching up towards her breasts, so that about half of her body was exposed. Not pretty, not pretty at all. Interestingly enough she was with a fairly nondescript 30-something guy, the kind of guy who could disappear easily into the crowd. You wouldn't have been able to identify him as the man who robbed you because he looked like every other middle-age midwestern guy in Iowa holding a can of Bud Lite. I think this couple had started their consumption of mood-altering substances before they arrived, because it seemed that it only took a few beers before things really started going south. They, or course, became quite amorous. And then they stood up to "dance"....the grinding bumping kind of dance. As the gyrations continued, her pants became scrunched almost down to her crotch, and the bottom hem of her blouse threatened to crawl dangerously past her esophagus. .... There were at least 40 other people watching this spectacle, and it was fun to watch the crowd as they tried not to stare, but, like me, they just couldn't NOT watch. It was like coming up on a car wreck, knowing that you shouldn't even want to see the carnage but.... the primal desire to see the unusual and grotesque is so very overpowering! However, when I think about it, perhaps this was "normal" behavior for two obviously tanked individuals.

So if there is a "normal", what is it? About 15 years ago, my mother began telling me about a family with whom she had become aquainted.
Mom: "They're very nice, but they're not normal".
Me: "How aren't they normal Mom?"
Mom: "Well, they're vegetarians. And they eat this disgusting tofu stuff".
Me: "That's not unusual Mom. A lot of folks are vegetarians. It's very healthy".
Mom: "But that's not all. Their daughter left college to hike around Europe for three years. That's just not normal".
Me: "Wow. I think that would be so much fun! I don't see anything abnormal about that!"
Mom: "But their other daughter joined the Peace Corps and married some foreign boy".
Me: "Well, that isn't so odd".
Mom: "And she (the mom) only wears cotton. She wore this Kaftan thing to Church! A woman like her should dress up. She's educated. They both are. They're just not normal"!
And on it went.....

Finally I asked the obvious question. And at once everything fell into place. My whole childhood flashed before my eyes and I suddenly knew. I had that insight I had been searching for my entire adult life. Why was I so.....ME?

Me: "So Mom, who IS "normal".

And without pause nor hesitation Mother answered.
"Well Honey, WE'RE NORMAL!"